Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The past hurts, and coming from places that you would never have realized till years later

I know that everyone is hurt by something or someone during their lives, and I know that I'm certainly no exception to that at all, for some they know right off the bat, and for others it takes them awhile to figure things out. I'm personally half and half that. I know who happens to hurt me, and the kicker is I not only knew, but it took part of my mind a while to figure a few other things out as well. One of which was that my own mother bullied me a lot as a kid and I didn't realize it. Because of her, I couldn't be better than I was, nor could I fully get to take part in things that I should've taken part in in the first place. Because of her I never went to Prom, and because of her, my ties with my family back east are strained like crazy, and I have zero way to figure out how in the world to repair them at all, and I'm certainly not going back there without my wife Miramonte.

Another kicker is, I've done my own share of hurting and I never realized it either half the time till long after it was too late, and then there were some that I just had no clue about. There's one that I've no clue what in the world that I ever did, and yet for some reason I hurt her and I don't know how or why I did in the first place. That person I've mentioned before, who happens to be Amy Powell (or as I remember her always Amy Hughes), I honestly wish I knew why in the world I did, but till she lets me know, I'll never know myself. Though I doubt she reads my blogs (though there are others that are her friends that do read this blog, but I don't know if they'll actually get in touch with her for her to read it in the end), so I don't know if she'll ever let me know what I did.

Then there's the one person that I do know that I hurt and know that I can never be able to talk to her again, I can mention her, but I can never talk to her at all, and that person is Corinne Wieben. I do hope she's happy in whatever life she's currently living now, but there is one thing that I do know, and that is that one cannot get away from their past no matter how hard they try, they either think about it, or something in their lives reminds them without them even knowing it in the first place. That's why I know in order to move on, one MUST confront the demons of their past in order to not only deal with them, but to move on as well, otherwise one will never be able to move on without something being there. I know that they might try to continue on and ignore it, but that only lasts for so long. The reason why I know this is because of the years that I spent in therapy after Amy left with her family back when I was in Junior High. I was in the 6th grade at the time and we were just going onto Winter Break, and I knew that she was going to be leaving. The kicker was I couldn't have the date with her that I really wanted to have in the first place, however my mother helped kibosh that idea, of course I still wouldn't have been able to actually say anything without sounding like a total idiot (which actually hasn't changed in years). However when Amy Left, that was when I went into counseling for quite a number of years, and no it was entirely my fault in the first place not hers. I just couldn't get over the fact that I never got the chance that I had wanted in the first place, and that's what really hurt for me. Part of me still wants that chance, I'm not going to lie, but the other half knows that I'll never get that chance no matter what happens, after all her and I are both married and so I know that there is no chance.

Now besides Amy and Corinne, there are other things that I would love to be able to change in my life, but till time travel is invented, I know that I will never be able to change those points. I could recreate them, but I doubt that anyone would ever help me at all. So they'll just remain a part of the past never to be seen or heard from again.

My only thing is that I hope you the reader doesn't decide to stop reading these just because I'm telling you the truth in part of what's happened to me in my life. After all this is like the only sounding board that I happen to have right now, even though I don't get any replies on the board, only off. However it does give you all a better insight into who I am.

--
Felix Sanchez
Sign Dancer, Linen Outlet Pleasant Hill, CA
Alhambra High School
Class of '97
Dream World Blog (fictional): http://dreamersworld2016.blogspot.com/
Ninja Chronicles Blog (fictional): http://ninjachroniclesstories.blogspot.com/

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