Now I know that a lot of my friends from back in school, and those that I know of Facebook know that I was bullied all through my school years, and we're not just talking about high school, we're talking about from elementary through to high school, even getting nominated to the homecoming court in high school had been a joke, however by that point I had already turned it all around. However I'm getting ahead of myself, but that's nothing new either.
This blog entry will actually reveal things that I would normally keep completely under wraps and wouldn't let anyone know at all, but this is something that I've realized that I have to put out there, so that others can understand what I went through, and still think about when it comes to others these days when they get bullied. Now in full and total truth, I really have no idea who in the world is going to read this or see it at all. I doubt that anyone is ever going to come talk to me about it at all, I know that I won't end up in the news because of writing this entry at all. I write it, and post it up, and then from there I send the tweet out about the posting and then there's nothing, I never hear back about any of the postings that I write about, and I know that this entry won't change things either.
No, what I'm wanting with this entry is an awareness to go out there that yes not only is there still bullying out there, but more than likely it'll continue to be out there till something is done about it that will change those that do it in the first place, but for the time being I know that that will not happen. I do know the truth of the matter and I'm not afraid to actually say something about it in the first place.
Now for me when it came to the bullying it was because I was different, but not in the way that people check out these days, I'm not gay or overweight, or anything like that at all. No I was different because I was into things back then that people thought were strange and weird, I was into comics and at times acting them out, or into different cartoon shows that aired back in the 80's and early 90's that others thought were strange and weird. However for the most part (and I still do this even today because it actually helps me when it comes to organizing my thoughts out), I talked to my self a lot, and I mean even when there were others around I would actually talk something out to myself and nearly figure something out that I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. The reason for this (and it's still the same now) is because for my thoughts if I can't either type them out (like I'm doing with this entry) or talk them out, trying to gage something in my thoughts will only cause me to constantly repeat them in my own head, like a song that's stuck there unless you can hear something else to get rid of that song stuck on repeat. So if you happen to see me in passing and I'm talking to myself it's usually because I'm trying to work something out, sometimes it's a scene that I want to think out first before I try to write it down (and I have a lot of them considering that I'm wanting to work on a series to put on screen), so in my mind I'm picturing out the scene, but I'm saying out the lines so that I can work through the scene. Now doing that as a kid, I was mostly doing that not for something that I would be writing down later, because I wasn't writing anything down, but because I was trying to get away from the world that I was living in at the time. Outside of school I had zero friends that I lived around, at home I would usually lay on my bed with a Star Trek Next Gen figure and act out different scenes with the figure, or I would be reading books like crazy (my mother liked the fact that I never went anywhere and that I was constantly at home either watching television or reading books, which lead to a partly sheltered life) I did have a few friends once I got into Jr. High, but that didn't last long either.
No at some point while I was in the fourth grade at John Muir Elementary (since I'm having a bit of a time right now remembering beforehand), I had gotten a nickname that ended up sticking with me all the way through to just slightly after I graduated from high school. Mind you this is one nickname that I've mentioned before that I wouldn't ever post up here because I hated it that much, those that read this blog that know me from back then know what that nickname is, even my wife does. My much hated nickname from back then was Fe-fe, and even writing it out, I couldn't stand doing that. Problem is, when I had gotten that nickname, it stuck worse than anything else ever could have because it was meant to mean that I was a girl (or at least that's what I thought at the time, course I had no idea and I got several different explanations on it). That nickname stayed with me all through the years in school till the night of Grad Night at school where I went to Alhambra High School In good ol Martinez, CA (however online the school is known as Alhambra Senior High, though I really have no idea why). After grad night, I never heard the nickname ever again.
For me though, that wasn't the only thing that I got bullied on throughout school, I was also constantly chased in school till I got into Jr High, and then it was just teasing after that, either about my looks or how I said things. Believe me, even for me back then it still hurt like crazy, though I wasn't trying to fit in at all, I was past that, I dressed how I wanted to and didn't care any more. However the teasing did take its toll, not that anyone ever knew till now, you see I actually tried to end my life, of course being that I really didn't know how to do certain things back then (because of always staying home and either watching television or reading sci-fi/fantasy books all the time), and taking my own life was one of them. You see I went up to what had become a slight cliff in the north western part of Martinez (that location is no longer there any more, I should know I've checked). I tried to throw myself off of that slight cliff, but I tripped and ended up hitting wrong and partly rolled down the side till I stopped towards the bottom. I stayed there for a little while (not really sure how long), got up and went back home thinking the entire time. Of course with how my mind work I was on something completely different by the time that I got home, but I never forgot about it at all, and I doubt that I ever will either.
Everyone does go through that point when getting bullied if they want to end things, and despite what people think there are a huge number of teens and kids that do end their lives because of bullying, and it doesn't end when one leaves from school, for them it continues in their minds long after, the memories are what end up hurting after for years to come, and since I know that they don't have a neuralizer out there to erase memories, even selected ones, those that have been bullied have to live with those memories for the rest of their lives.
There is also something else as well for me that tripped from the bullying part. There was two girls back in school that I had major feelings for, though now I know what they really were, but for me I can never go back and change things. Those two ladies (and yes I'm writing their names out, I'm not hinting at anything here any more it's all coming out) names were Amy Hughes (who's now married and is now known as Amy Powell), and Corinne Wieben. Now Amy was the one that I first feel for back in the fourth grade, I call her my first lightning strike, because when she walked into the room on the day that I'm about to talk about, it was like getting hit with a bolt of lightning. The day was Halloween (or close to it), and we were all dressing up, she dressed up as either a bride or a princess (I still don't know even after all these years, but then again I never did bother to ask, and unless Amy actually happens to read this entry and replies to it, I'll never know). When Amy walked through the door (a little late since class had already started), it almost felt like my jaw hit the floor, my heart fell for her right then. However I later found out that one Chris Seyler had been dating her (or what our version of dating was back then, and I have no idea what in the world that would be because I wasn't in a relationship back then to ever know), the only thing was I made an ass out of myself after I found out. Now the thing was at the time because of the bullying and teasing that I was getting I was shy to begin with, and when I found that that Chris only wanted to sleep with Amy and nothing else, I just wanted to make sure that didn't happen. So instead of going up to her and bringing her to and bringing her to the side and telling her that way, I started jumping around her and other girls that she was with at the time making a complete ass out of myself while trying to tell her. To this day I don't know what happened, but I would love to find out from Amy what the end result of everything was. The other lady, Corinne Wieben, started out the same way, but ends completely differently. With Corinne, she came into my life as a lightning bolt as well (I consider her the second bolt). Again it was Halloween all over again, and just like before with Amy, Corinne came into (of all classes) the drama class we had at the time dressed as either a Princess or bride, still don't know, and I doubt that I ever will, and you'll find out why as you read on. With Corinne it was different than Amy, with Amy I was shy and couldn't even go near her, hell I got a shortness of breath with Amy, that was never the case with Corinne. However in my mind I wasn't who I was supposed to be in the first place, you see at the time back home I was running a story with several different characters that I had created in the first place, these characters (a lot of whom I patterned after myself) were different superheroes all with powers that I gave them or special abilities that I gave them or suits, or they came from different parts of time (yeah at that point in my life, and I still am now a days too, I was major getting into anything dealing with time travel after Back to the Future came out in theaters). Well one of the characters at the time I had sent back, and something happened to him, and instead of landing in his own time, he pulls a Quantum Leap and lands in (I think you can figure it out from here, but hey I'm giving you everything anyway) you guessed it me. One morning as I'm heading to school, just as I leave the apartment that I was living in at the time, I stagger to the side and start acting like the character that I had just been doing the whole story thing with. The only kicker is, he considers himself not only a protector, but a cop as well (since in the story he was a sort of time cop anyway). I think you can figure out where this is going to lead here, but hey like I said before...
...I start acting like him, and even talking like him as well, which actually only added to the teasing as well since for me just to try to get out of the teasing, I was trying to get as much attention as I could at the time, but I didn't want to admit it back then at all. There was a show on back then called Time Trax, though I don't know if anyone actually remembers that show any more, namely since I believe it only lasted one season (it may have lasted more seasons, but I never saw anything more after that). Now in the show, the main character had traveled back in time to the early 90's with a small a.i. computer known as Selma, which in the show looked like a credit card (I actually started carrying one around me as well back then). Now Selma in the show could also do one thing when there was no one else around, namely because of the rules that they had to follow, and that was appear as a hologram in visual mode. For me, I had it the same way, only I had name it D.A.T.A. (and no I don't remember what the letter stood for any more) instead. Now what I had done, was what the character was supposed to do in the first place, and that was keep an eye on Corinne to make sure that nothing happened to her, yeah I know bonehead, but hey that's where my mind was at the time back then and nothing was (and nothing did) going to change it. This lasted from Jr. High all the way into high school, and believe me even after I stopped doing it, the one thing that I wanted to do most off was tell Corinne that I was sorry, except for years later, I never got the chance to. Even now with things that I had written to her, I never got to actually tell Corinne anything. Of course just like with Amy, if she happens to read this, then she'll end up finding out a lot that she never knew before.
Now here's the kicker with Corinne, years later when I finally got back in touch with her, she actually put a restraining order on me to prevent me from either going to go see her (which I couldn't do since I was homeless and jobless in Fresno, not some place anyone ever wants to get stuck in) or to communicate with her at all. So I didn't, and I never said anything to her for the length of the restraining order, though I did find out that she had left the state, and when a friend of mine told me that the restraining order had become void at that point, I waited to make sure about it and then sent her a message so that she could keep an eye on me digitally, though I have no idea if she actually did keep an eye on me or anything. If she did, she now knows that I'm fully back with my wife of 13 (to 14 this 01/21/13) years. However I needed to get all of this out, and the reasons for all of it in the first place, so that way everyone knows how and what bullying did to my life, and for some of it, I still haven't recovered at all. :(
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Felix Sanchez
Sign Dancer, Linen Outlet Pleasant Hill, CA
Alhambra High School
Class of '97
