Well I'm actually writing this because of two things, 1) to prove about my partial photographic memory, and 2) because of a site that a friend told me to go to that I had already checked out. Now this post my get a little long in the tooth, but that's only because of the details that I can recall when it comes to my memory, and believe me it does get detailed. The only thing that I can never remember is what everyone said during those times, only everything that I had seen and smelled and where it took place during those times.
Now the majority of the missed shots at love actually deal with Amy Hughes, course at the time I really wasn't looking for anyone else after she had caught my eye back in the fourth grade on Halloween, she walked into the class room dressed as either a princess or a bride, I never could tell and I never bother to ask. Now I know that allot of people would've called what I had back then puppy love, however that's not the case in this, when Amy walked into the class room that day, I couldn't breath and believe me I didn't even realize it till someone tapped me on the shoulder. That was when I realized that I had fallen in love for real and not that puppy love stuff that people always mention. Honestly I've never felt that way for anyone else except for one other person, and I'll cover her as well (and no it's not my ex, she never caused that at all). Now after Amy walked in that day, all I had wanted to do was to ask her out and be her boyfriend for however long it ended up lasting, back then I was hoping for life of course I really wasn't thinking in realistic long terms back then either. However I also found out that she was dating a jack ass by the name of Chris back then too (and no I don't remember his name either, but I do know that he stayed back and never graduated with my class, so I know that he's not apart of my friends list, though I could be wrong, I'll have to check on that, and Chris if you're reading this, please let me know either way), and the one thing that I over heard him talking about was having sex with Amy and then dumping her (now the reason why I can remember that, but not in detail is because of my A.D.H.D. and something that I get from it that I later ended up calling my "Hyper Mode" during that mode I can remember literally everything in extreme etch detail, it's like going from regular TV to HDTV in 1080p and storing that information forever, that's how my "Hyper Mode" works), and believe me that was not something that I liked at all and wanted to warn her about. Of course my warning her didn't come out the way that I had wanted it to in the first place. Now I don't remember who was around Amy at the time, but depending on who reads this they may end up remembering what I had done that day and during that time, I (like the childish idiot that I was back then) jumped around while trying to tell her about Chris, I was chastised and sent away, and I felt not only down, but that I had failed to warn Amy about what Chris was about to do to her. It's been one of my greatest regrets, and to this day every time that I think about it I feel hurt that I don't know what happened. Of course also at the time, I also wanted to slug the hell out of Chris for what he wanted to do to Amy, but that never happened either. That however is not one of the chances that I missed, that was just something that I felt was strongly connected, and needed to be said when it came to how I felt back then, of course the one thing that I do wonder about is what people think about it these days.
Anyway, the next chance that I had was shortly after that during the D.A.R.E. program that we had with a certain police officer whose name I will never mention again because of his disgraced badge. Now at the time we (meaning me and several other kids) were helping get the chairs all set up for the graduation ceremony that was taking place that night for our completing the program in the first place. Well at one point Amy and the girls that were there had gone out into the main dining area of the cafeteria where the stage was also located, and they eventually called all of the guys out there with something that they wanted to tell us. Once we were out there, the girls all started to roll up their shirts while saying something that I don't remember what it was, and once they got to right below chest level, they dropped their shirts and started laughing. For me, I figured that it might be another chance to ask Amy out again, since I had heard at that point that her and Chris had parted ways (though I don't know the details of the parting either). Now the problem that I had with trying to ask her out was that not only was she with her friends at the time, but I was also extremely nervous to the point that my tongue swelled up. Not something that I happened to like in the least, but it was also a point that I had missed to actually ask her out.
Now after that, several years passed by before yet other chance came up, and believe me we're talking repeat performance again, and this would be the last chance that I had before she left with her family to Arizona. However the problem this time was that we were with my mother so I couldn't ask in the first place, of course once I found out about the move, that's when my heart sank so far into the ground you would've thought that I'd buried it for good. We were at my place with Amy trying to make up for my missing a chance to dance with her at a Jr. high dance that we had. However the only music that I had at the time (which has since changed) was just pop music and that was it, I had nothing else. Didn't matter anyway, my mother stole that day with talking to Amy in the first place. Suffice it to day that day ended on two notes, one I was sad that I couldn't ask her out, and two that she was moving away. Of course I was an idiot when she showed up at my front door with a friend of hers (whose name at the current time escapes me), and I failed yet again for that short time as well.
Now after that I had gone into counseling for quite a few years (which now explains to people reading this, why I was always leaving the school early during that time), of course during those sessions I never actually talked about what put me there in the first place, hell talking about it only hurt worse, and it wouldn't be till years later that it would actually come out as to why I always felt the way that I did. But during my seventh grade year, things changed for me that would only have a partial impact on how I felt towards things again. My second lightening bolt struck.
My second lightening bolt is mind you someone that I've mentioned before, and is someone that I can't currently talk to at all, but when she walked into the class room back in Jr. High, I honestly felt like I was getting struck by lightening all over again. Everything was the same as it had been back at John Muir back during the fourth grade, it was Halloween again, and people were coming to school dressed up (of course during that time I was trying to make my own costumes and was getting teased about it, thing was (which no one knew) I was trying to take after my father when it came to actually making the costumes, and he was the one that gave me the encouragement to get it done in the first place). Well the class was the drama class (and I can hear the gasps as the memories start to come back to people too that might be reading this), and everyone that had arrived on time was there and sitting waiting to get started, well just as the roll was being taken, the door opens up to let one more student walk in, That's when I got hit. Honestly I thought at the start that the one that walked in was Amy come back to school with us again, yeah right, I was so wrong on that one. No the one that walked through the door dressed exactly as Amy had been back in the fourth grade was Corinne Wieben (of course how many reading this already figured that out before I even wrote her name down). Now Corinne I had never seen before, or even paid any attention to since my mind was still on Amy (and it was to the point that I kept saying Amy's name a random times, that's how bad it was for me), but when Corinne walked into the class that day, my world got tilted on it's side in a way that I never recovered from at all.
This is the start of me being an idiot towards trying to now ask Corinne out, but of course during that time I had an unknown problem at hand that I wouldn't figure out till years later, that problem was one Danielle Ackerman. What I didn't know at the time was that Danielle kept telling lies about me (of course she would deny this completely, but this is how I see the whole thing) to Corinne, and my problem was that I kept falling into them with out ever realizing it at all. Now through all the years that we had gone to school, everyone kept talking to her about things and how they were and what her feelings were, none of them ever bothered to talk to me and find out things from me on it (believe me that would've been a great help and solved more problems then they created), no instead I was just told to stay away and not talk to her or anything (like I said, completely one sided). No one knew what was going on with me or what I was going through in the least, at least not till now since I'm the one that has to write it all up for everyone to know my side of all of this. Now did I want to ask Corinne out, yes I did, did I even try, actually it was only once since I could never get near her again except to try to ask her to a dance years later.
Now the day that I tried asking her out, Corinne never actually answered me at all, no instead Danielle did (I remember this because I was so nervous that the infamous "Hyper Mode" I told you about before was fully kicked in), telling me that Corinne already has a boyfriend in Arizona. Like I said Corinne never said anything at all. However I was so embarrassed that all I wanted to do was just go jump in the creek (we were in Jr High when I asked her out), it was that bad, and for me that just made it more worse to the point that I couldn't even approach her again to ask, I could only watch from afar.
The asking her out for the dance came during high school, and that was again a repeat of how things were the first time that I had asked her out, only this time I made a visible idiot of myself after I got an actual response from her this time and not Danielle. I had walked up to her during the lunch time, and while she had been with her friends asked her to the dance (and no I don't remember what dance it was). She said no and I walked away over to a stone bench and just started going off, not one of my finer moments in my life at all.
Then something happened that I really felt bad about, and knew what it was too. I had been in my art class when I had seen her and Danielle walking around with Corinne crying, I realize what was going on and wanted to go change it. Turns out that what had hurt her had been that our drama teachers had made us co-stars together, so I figured that the only way to end things was to go right up to the drama teacher and let him know that I wanted out of the play. I asked my art teacher if I could go, and she said that I had to wait till after class, well by that point everything was just completely messed up and I was already out of the role to begin with, and no one had any sympathy for my at least trying to get things fixed. I felt that bad. Of course also what I didn't realize at the time was that everything that was going on bad with me would also start to effect my life both in school and out of it (and yes I was still going to the counseling, but it wasn't helping at all.
Then something happened that I not only wasn't expecting, but thrilled me as a possible new chance, and that was that Amy had returned (or almost had). I had found out that she had come back to California and was going to Concord High at the time, but then after one year, came back to Alhambra High. Now I've also gotten tongue around Amy, and this time was a slight bit exception, I was able to finally talk to her, but the thing that I had a problem with was that I couldn't ask her out at all, all I could say was "So how ya doing" and "what class you heading for", yeah talk about a nervous idiot. I even had the chance to try to ask her out to a dance, but instead I asked her if she was going to the dance, and she told me no that she wasn't going at all. So I failed completely on that.
The last time that I had a chance to ask either of them out, was at Grad Night and both of them were there, but the problem then was that I was too nervous to actually go try for either of them. Thing also was that during this time I was in an off again on again relationship with Miramonte Turley (whom I would eventually marry, much to my regret), and I was wanting to be in a more stable one (or at least what I thought would've been a stable one). However I never did get that chance with either of them and I've regretted it ever since. Please understand that if I could change time, I honestly would go back and make sure that I had those chances, and I hate the fact that I missed them.
Now since then and after my ex and I parted ways, there have been girls that I've asked out, but all of them have constantly said no to me, and I've never been able to find that special someone at all. So I figured that I would try the dating sites out and see where I would get on that, what's it's gotten me is nothing but longing since all of the sites require an upgrade to be able to do things that they won't let you do on the free side, and yes Plenty of Fish is like that as well. I'm currently working on a site called okcupid.com, and the problem that I've got with it is that they hid the upgrade side of everything, but I still found it. I'm honestly wishing that a dating site like Facebook would come around to help those that can't pay for anything on the upgrades, but I also know that that will never happen. So I will end up continuing to be hyper, while losing out on the ladies since I can't slow down like they want, sorry ladies but you're going to have to take me as is, and that's not going to be changing any time soon at all. Yeah I really wish that I was a programmer instead of a writer, then I could come up with that Facebook like site for dating, but I'm not so I can't. I was going to copy and past a Google search result for "free dating sites" that aren't really free, but I decided against it. Honestly I don't know how those that are reading this will react to everything that I was able to recall, but I know that now you're a little more informed about my tragic past when it comes to my being able to ask girls out (which has extended to this day).
By the way, if there's someone that happens to be reading this and can be able to get in touch with Amy, let her know that she still owes me a birthday that she missed. Back in the fourth or fifth grade (can't remember exactly which grade), I had a birthday at my house that she was going to come to, however at the last second, Amy had ended up coming down with a 24hr bug. Her father kept her home, and so she told me that she would make it up to me the next year. That didn't happen, but I'm still wanting the make up for that one missed birthday. Now I don't know if it can be done either this year or next, but I would like for her to make it up please. So if someone that's reading this can be able to send her the link for this entry it would be helpful, plus she can also get in touch with me when it comes to the missing birthday that I would like for her to make up.
Damn, talk about a long entry sheesh.
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