I know that you the reader, doesn't happen to like too much, when I go in about my lack of a love life that I happen to have. Believe me, even the people that I hand around during the day don't happen to like it either when I happen to be preening over a girl that happens to be cute, but I know is also taken. I remember telling a friend of mine that is constantly getting things with out ever asking for them, that he could fall into a pile of crap and come out smelling like roses (though I really don't know what roses smell like since literally all flowers smell the same to me), and if I happen to fall into crap, I come out smelling like the ninth level of hell or worse. For me it happens to hurt the most since I can't ever either have anything ever go my way (since I happen to have the worst luck on the damned planet), or I just get completely ignored. I mean it's honestly worse then when I had been teased back in school.
One of the main reasons that I had put up that challenge (that no one seems to have been responding to at all), so that you can see how my life happens to be here in this damned town and what things are like here. I mostly do a lot of bus riding and watching other people, and mostly become jealous over what they happen to have that I can't ever seem to get in my life, and it's one of the things that I most hate in my life right now. Honestly half the time I'm so depressed that those that I'm around change the subject quickly (at least those that know me, others keep on going to the point that I end up telling them rather forcefully to "shut the hell up OK, I'm really not in the mood to keep listening to that shit constantly". Then it's at that point that he gets told what's going on, of course they seem to have a two second memory because then they're right back at it.
So yes most of the depression is because I don't happen to have someone in my life right now that would be a complete bright spot there. Thing is, even though it's gotten to that point (and there's a revelation coming up here), I would never take my own life. A lack of a love life is no reason to end it at all. However at one point in my past during high school (or was it Jr. High, I can never remember which time it was any more), I actually did try to end it all. Too bad the day that I picked was the wrong day (and one could make the argument that I really hadn't wanted to end things after all). It had gotten that bad for me, not only was it dealing with wanting to ask Corinne out, but at the same time there were other girls that I had been wanting to ask out as well that I just couldn't get up the nerve to ask in the first place. However I only know a couple of the names here that I wanted to ask out in the first place, they are: Abbie Rocconi, Hillary Handlesman, Connie Fisher, and a couple of others whose names take off on me right now. Either way, I knew that I could always ask others out and not have to entirely be trying to ask one person out all the time. However the one thing that I had the most was the constant fear of rejection (namely since my mother was constantly telling me that no girl would ever want to go with me and that the only girl that would ever want to was one that was desperate, and she didn't want me to start having sex till I was 35 (looks like in a way both of those may come true at the rate that things are going here, if at all). So in the end I'm completely depressed over the lack of a love life because I not only fear getting rejected, as I did at one point near my birthday back in '08 when a girl that I liked I asked out, and she gave me the dreaded friends only card.
So when I happen to be asking for help when it comes to me finding someone, I have a reason, I not only don't want to be alone any more, I would like to end my depression that I happen to have all the damned time. So if you happen to know someone (either from our class or out side of our class, but around my age) please help me try to make first contact here ok. At least now you know why I'm always going off about my lack of a love life. I'm both tried of being alone, and I'm wanting to have both a family and a wife that I know won't cheat on me and will stay by me no matter what.
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